Sunday, November 20, 2011



Triangulation can occur in any relationship, but it is very common in a relationship with a narcissist. It may happen at home, at work, with friends, or within in family of origin. He may pit you against another woman, several other women, his mother, his friends, or any other person he can get to engage in his "victim-playing" who is willing to serve the role he assigns. He may also adopt the role of Persecutor to assign blame or Rescuer to maintain control of his image. In the end, this travel around the triangle is how he dumps shame and finds someone to blame for his misery. If there is always a role to play, there is always a way to escape responsibility by shifting the position on the triangle.

The answer to the exhaustive push and pull of a triangulated dynamic in a relationship with a narcissist is to simply step off the triangle and refuse to play. It's a game you cannot win.

Control by Triangulation
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, any third party to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate victim. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he always dumps, his props, unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by triangulation is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, social exclusion and shame) against the victim. In this instance, society becomes the instrument of the abuser .By clever seduction, through words and posturing, he entices his pawns to do his dirty work for him. Unaware, they exclude his victim, being persuaded by his rendition of truth, they take up his cause and his right and align themselves against the one he controls.

The malignant narcissist creates perpetual triangles around the one he desires to control. He sees through these eyes, eyes with no empathy, that perpetuates constant, residual torment, for his partner. Claiming that he is being tormented by his victim, he creates rescuers who then torment his victim, thinking they are protecting him from the "bully". Doing this through his friendships, family members, associates and whoever he can entice; he remotely views his operation, like a director of a movie. In other words, he will frame a picture and put his secondary supply in that frame,the borders always being the shape of a triangle and the picture within, being a distorted truth he propagates. Usually, the claims he makes of his victim are the truth of himself and while hiding behind his victim, he will spin doctor and gaslight until he gets his desired result. Defamation of character and destroying the credibility of the one he victimizes is his goal. He convinces his pawns that his victim is the persecutor and he is the victim. The naked eye cannot see this game of illusions and that is why he engages others into his web. They do for him what he orchestrates in secret.
You may notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. These roles assume a “one-up” position over others, meaning, they relate as though they are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in the one-down position at the bottom of the triangle, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from always looking up. Feeling “looked down upon” or “worth- less than” the others, the Victim usually rebels.
Starting Gate Persecutors (SGP's), on the other hand, do see themselves as victims in need of protection. This is how they can so easily justify their vengeful behavior ... “They asked for it and they got what they deserved for questioning me", That’s the way they see it. Their core belief might go something like this; “She can't be trusted so I need to get her before she hurts me.” This attitude sets them up to think that they must strike out in order to defend against inevitable attack, even when there is no attack Arguing with the malignant narcissist is, in his self absorbed eyes is a threat.They see the victim as a threat to them possibly exposing what they hide which is "the real them" here, not the one the rescuers believe exists. The victim, may or may not have threatened them, but the chance of being 'found out,' by those looking from the outside, at the framed triangulation, the picture projected, is the SGP's denial ploy. He is afraid that the real picture will seen by all. He, himself, cannot face the reality of what he is doing and must project what he perpetrates. Ultimately there is no regard for anyone here, for all player's involved are his pawns. Therefore, the victim stands no chance of recovering in this triangulation. Convincing his rescuer(s) that his victim is persecuting him, the rescuer(s) fall into his web, becoming persecutors for him all while believing they rescue him. He actually believes what he creates to be the truth.
The rescuer(s) unbeknownest, to the narcissist scheme, becomes a persecutor of the victim as well. Believing his deception, they do his bidding and become an extension of him. Never meaning to do any harm, they have become his right hand, and very likely, the hand(s) that strangulate his victim. The smugness of the narcissist becomes more intoxicating to himself, in his superiority to manipulate all. How brilliant he feels, in the evil he has masterminded. Feeling disdain, for even his rescuers, he is loyal to none. He feeds on his own view of being above all those he puppeteers.

Inevitably, the victim will do one of four things
  • Strike back, in defense and self preservation.
  • Further submit to the abuse,thinking it must be their fault.
  • Try to negotiate and convince the rescuer(s) that the narcissist is the persecutor.
  • Flee the triangle(s) and leave the relationship.
Another Term for Triangulation is Proxy Recruitment

Proxy Recruitment - Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing another person, or establishment, by manipulating other people into unwittingly 'backing up', the abuser or "doing their dirty work" for them.

The goal in proxy recruitment is to gain the upper hand in a relationship or in a conflict by getting other people involved. This often takes the form of the perpetrating engaging others to" help" through inuindos, false accusations, smear campaigns or distortion campaigns in which the victim is portrayed as an abuser.

Proxy recruitment can be an extremely powerful way of establishing control over another person. It forces the victim into a defensive posture - justifying or denying their own behaviors to friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances and authority figures. It often attempts to reverse roles in the eyes   of others - casting the abuser as the victim and portraying the victim as the real abuser. It deflects attention away from the abuser and provides cover or justification for further abuse to occur.

Proxy Recruitment is much easier if the abuser assumes a position of authority. The infamous narcissist will project himself as the authority figure, speaking as though, the victim is incompetent or inferior in judgement. In 1961 and 1962, Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram performed a famous series of experiments which demonstrated that about 2 out of 3 people will perform a cruel action towards another person if instructed to do so by someone whom they regard as an authority figure. This demonstrated that most people are prone to doing something they do not want to do, even something they would normally regard as "wrong", just because they are told to do it by an assertive or authoritative person or persuaded, by them, in a form or mind control.

Proxy recruitment isn't just the domain of people with personality disorders. It is a universal reaction to recruit allies when engaged in a conflict situation. However, it becomes abusive, when the truth is misrepresented or the recipient is being hurt. Those recruited will partake of the abuser's plan, thinking they are doing the right thing. The narcissist abuser undermines the recruited to demise the one he objectifies.Objectification is when the narcissist reduces the one he controls to an object, having no feeling or empathy for the one he degrades, he influences those around him to objectify them. Presenting himself as though, he is the one, whose perception is the only credible one, he masterminds the demising of his victim using whoever he constitutes to execute his purpose.
Proxy recruitment or triangulation, is a form of gaslighting,  otherwise known as covert abuse. Covert abuse is mental abuse and much more detremental, in my opinion, than physical abuse. It is so covert, that unless your eye is trained to recognize this mode of operation, it will go unnoticed. This is extreme malignant narcissism. The kind of narcissism that has the ambiance of a murderer per say. I call it "the narcissist web of triangulation by strangulation". He strangles his victim's through the hands of his rescuer(s).

 Likening it unto murder, the narcissist's" cover up" is so discreet and subtle, even upon investigation and thorough discovery, sociopathic intelligence and lack of remorse, seem to indicate innocence along with lack of association to the crime at hand. Mental abuse is" criminal", in the psychiatric world. Only an  therapist who specializes in  pathology can weed through this kind of abuse and see through this depth of deceit and cover up.The denial of the narcissist is what makes him the monster, not the person himself. If denial can be faced by the narcissist, there is a small chance of reform. If not, the victim scream is silent, unheard.
The victim may be screaming out in pain yet, somehow, these persecutors twist a whole series of events to flatter themselves in the eyes of their rescuers. The victim being left no defense and no one who understands what literally is transpiring is murdered, hypothetically speaking. There is a slow killing of the mind and soul in progress, Picking up the pieces of their lives is difficult after this conditioning and most times, in these cases, the persecutor will have taken away all their credibility.
 If they cannot paint them as a liar, because the victim's character does not lie, they will paint them unstable, lacking in judgement ,mentally delusional or "damaged goods". The unseen goal, even many times to the narcissis, is death to the victim's individualization. Hence, no matter what the victim does to be heard or believed, the very people who could have intervened, don't, and simply because they have become his persecutor(s) themselves. The reality here, is the outsider's join in his parade of traumatization of his chosen sufferer.
I have chosen, in using the male third person singular in my writings ("he") because most narcissists (75%) are males and because there is no difference between the male and female narcissists in character and because statistics below indicate domestic violence leading to homicide are perpetrated by males.

CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence – United States 2009

  • Each year, intimate partner violence (IPV) results in an estimated 5,200 deaths and 6 million injuries among women and nearly 600,000 injuries among men.

    • Highest percentage for women is adults aged 45-54 (31.2%)
    • Highest percentage for men is adults aged 25-34 (21.4%)

General Statistics

  • On the average, more than 24 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.1
  • 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.2
  • 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.31 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.4
  • As many as 724,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. 5
  • Violence against women costs companies $97.8 million annually due to lost productivity.6
  • Ninety-four percent of the offenders in murder-suicides were male.7
  • Seventy-four percent of all murder-suicides involved an intimate partner (spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend). Of these, 96 percent were females killed by their intimate partners.7
  • Most murder-suicides with three or more victims involved a “family annihilator” — a subcategory of intimate partner murder-suicide.Family annihilators are murderers who kill not only their wives/girlfriends and children, but often other family members as well,before killing themselves.7
  • Seventy-five percent of murder-suicides occurred in the home.7
1. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 2001-2009, February 2009.
2. Progress & Perils: New Agenda for Women, Center for the Advancement of Women. June 2007.
3. Silverman, Jay G., Raj, Anita, and Clements, Karen. “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality.” Pediatrics, August 2008.
4. Teenage Research Unlimited. Findings from study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. to investigate the level of and attitudes towards dating abuse among American teenagers aged 13 to 18 [online] 2005 Feb [cited 2006 Mar 20]. Available from: URL: Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84.
6. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2007. Center for Disease Control and Prevention


  1. Hi, my narcissist ex had his puppets stalk me for three months. They tried to break me down by my gates and coercive bullying. I ignored them and laughed at them. Eventually it stopped but now he's following me to the park with his new target. She is being isolated and financially abused already. One of his puppets stared me down in his car. I stared back and laughed! He is trying the triangulation method again.

    I dumped him and changed my number. Then I ignored him. I started improving my life. He is trying to win but I have God on my side. He is the devil because he sins and uses substances. I saw a scary image in his picture and it's too bad, he broke that phone.

  2. This article says "he", "his" and "he'll", and claims that only males can be narcissists.

    Please edit the article to say "they", "their" and "they'll", we both know narcissism is not bound to one gender.